Confidence
April 29, 2024
When I was very young, up until around 13 or 14, I was very confident. I had a lot of friends, I’d be seen kissing random girls in nursery + school, I was out all the time playing outside and overall I was just enjoying life without a single care in the world. As I approached the end of primary school, I really thought that was it and Year 6 was the end before I started work after a nice long 5-6 year break… how I never knew high school existed still amazes me to this day, what a little goof. I still recall asking my Mum “There’s a Year 7!?”… 😅
At around the age of 12 I moved around a little bit to different areas where I of course didn’t know anybody, I had no friends I could play with. I also started high school around this time as well which combined sent my anxiety through the roof. In primary school there wasn’t a single mean kid, it was actually bliss, but in high school on my first day I got asked by someone in my class “What are you, gay?” because I was sat on my desk swinging my feet happily daydreaming as I often did in primary school.
(This isn’t a “poor me” sort of thing by the way, school is rough for everyone, I just want to give a bit of background 😏.)
Everything that happened around this time turned me from a shy extrovert into an anxious introvert very quickly. I essentially became a hermit, completely relying on the internet for my social life for the next 10 years on different online communities. Everything I did made me question myself from how I walked to how I spoke, I couldn’t go outside, I couldn’t even look people in the eye… the idea of even speaking to a girl was well outside of my capabilities now.
I think a lot of people go through the same thing, some much quicker than others though. But it really took me down to rock bottom especially as I hit my early 20s seeing all my school friends move on with their lives. I remember vividly my Dad trying to encourage me, and for the first time I broke down in front of him crying. To my surprise, he did the same thing and I had NEVER seen him cry in my life. That really shook me, because I felt like I caused him unhappiness and was letting him down (Of course in retrospect he was just upset to see me so down, but my anxious mind was racing). I knew then that I had to make a big change, but I just didn’t have the willpower to do anything about it.
Yikes
The days went by, I also started realising that my weight was becoming a problem… I’d be up all night until 4am eating pizza and drinking full fat Coca-Cola regularly not realising that it was so bad for me. I really wanted to stop and start going to the gym… But, of course, I couldn’t even leave the house on my own so that was never going to be an option I thought… I was basically a prisoner in my own mind.
Suddenly though, the script flipped, I recall sitting in the bath reflecting on how miserable I was… and I just snapped, I got really fucking angry. It really came out of nowhere and I whacked the side of the bathtub as hard as I could before getting out. I was super pissed at myself for becoming this person I hated so much and I knew I had to do something now before it was too late. I went straight to my computer BUTT NAKED and looked up ways to overcome this… I don’t remember where I found it but it told me to write three lists:
- What have you accomplished in life? – This can be anything from getting up in the morning to winning the nobel peace price. Whatever you’d consider a success no matter how small.
- What do you want to achieve in life? – List it all, high level, not too many details.
- How would someone confident achieve the goals you’ve listed above?
I wouldn’t normally do something like this, I didn’t believe stuff like this would help me but I had no options left so I did what it said and wrote the three lists. I really wish I kept it but the fact that I wrote it all out made me realise at the time that this website was making me write a life “To-Do” list. I sat there looking at this and realised, this is totally achievable, I just need to break these things into chunks and make a little progress on each one every day. I think putting myself in the shoes of someone confident made me subconciously reprogram how I saw myself. Besides, at this point I was at my lowest point so the thought of “Oh no, what if X happens while I’m doing Y” wasn’t getting in my way as much.
I sat up on my chair, still butt naked, got dressed and left the house. I walked directly to the gym about 10 minutes down the road and did an induction. The me a few hours ago wouldn’t had ever thought this was possible and I was bright red embarrassed talking to this confident gym coach… but… I did it 🙂
It’s funny, because it was around this time when I began changing that I noticed I was getting white hairs at the front of my head, which actually turned out to be Poliosis. Which, as you guessed it, is caused by extreme stress. I actually love the white streak in my hair, it’s a good reminder of where I was and where I am now (Fun fact, most people think it’s fake!).
I began pushing myself to take random courses where I discover new hobbies, I’d go out with old friends on roadtrips, I’d explore areas and overall I’d just learn to relax and enjoy things outside of my four walls.
One of my proudest moments of my development was in Curry’s (Surprisingly not a restauraunt, it’s a UK tech store), I saw a girl I really liked but I was still too shy to say anything. I was with my Mum at the time, and as we left she asked why I didn’t say anything to her. I felt that same feeling as I had in the bath (Anger at myself for not doing something) and walked in there full of confidence but with a bright blushing face of course. I found her in the store helping someone, so I waited patiently before she turned to me. I asked her straight up if she’d like to swap numbers, she smiled and said she had a boyfriend, and that was of course fine with me, but she looked really flattered I even asked! I walked out not feeling disappointed or sad, but I had this INCREDIBLE adrenaline rush, and I knew that improving my confidence was not only the way to go, but it was actually addictive.
I started learning that nobody is looking at me, nobody is judging me, nobody cares about what I see as flaws in myself, everyone’s got their own shit to deal with and most importantly people RESPECT confidence. I began dating, going on around 4-5 dates overall before meeting someone, getting married, divorced (Happily!) and marrying the love of my life Lindy (Who I had known since I was 14/15) 💗
It took a long time for me to pull myself out of that void and writing this has been a ride, it’s made me really appreciate where I am now. For around 6-7 years now I’ve felt like I could do anything without a care in the world. I’m proud of what I’ve overcome and while I’m definitely not perfect, I’m as happy as I can be 🙂. If anyone out there reading this is strugglign with this too, you got this!
